‘My name is Nancy Pelosi, and I’m currently holding on’

‘My name is Nancy Pelosi, and I’m currently holding on’

October 19, 2020

by Ramin Mazaheri for the Saker Blog

Note: This internal Democratic Party letter was leaked to me, Ramin Mazaheri. I initially planned to not publish it, and for the very same reason the recent The New York Post’s “smoking gun” emails about Joe Biden’s alleged corruption were banned on Facebook and Twitter: because “this story is eligible to be fact checked by (our) third-party fact checking partners”. However, my partners at the law firm Wifuoul, Peeples & Daley fact-checked this story and found it completely accurate, thus my decision in favor of publication.

From: The desk of the Honorable Nancy Pelosi

Re: Stop asking me for money

Why, oh why, do they constantly underestimate us old women?

We always had the brains, but now we’ve got the experience and higher testosterone than women younger than us, while our male peers can’t hardly deal with their plummeting hormones. Trump on post-coronavirus steroids doesn’t have as much energy as your average indomitable elderly woman. I can only laugh when I think of old, sweet Joe – he just loves to sit and sentimentalise about the good old days and delegate, defer and delegate again.

We old women don’t waste our precious time on trying to look good, as we did in our younger days. Anyways, I have a queen’s retinue of stylists, makeup artists and plastic surgeons to make these considerations for me. How else can I explain how I look better at 80 than I did at 40?

Being 80 years old I am not bound long for this earth, so I’ll get to the point: I know I’m not popular right now in mid-October.

Yes, due to a combination of age-shaming, misogyny and misdirected psychological anger towards their own mothers, polls say more people blame me for the lack of a second stimulus package than Trump.

Here’s the thing: you children just don’t understand politics. Why – this is all just temporary, my poor darlings!

Soon the Democrats will win the election and you’ll be back to loving me like the nation’s sweet grandmother that I am – which I am.

I can see you are contradicting me, you problem child! I don’t know what Angela Merkel has that I don’t, but maybe you can go live at her house?!

Excuse me – Mommies can get frustrated too, even more than people in California trying to work the offline state unemployment website.

Like all good Moms I’m taking one for the good of the household. As The New York Times correctly described on October 14, “Mothers Are the ‘Shock Absorbers’ of Our Society”. Just look at this recent interview on the second stimulus, where those well-known “apologists for Republicans” and Trump-lovers — CNN — so ungratefully tried to grill me regarding outrage over Democrats’ blocking of even a stand-alone household stimulus. I absorbed that shock with the calm only Botox can give a mother.

However, The Times sub-headline – “The pandemic is forcing moms out of work at great financial, societal and marital costs” – LOL, this might happy to the ugliest of my daughters across this nation but it surely won’t happen to me.

Give me just a moment to come down from my Mom-perch: Just like the rest of you are, in my daily course of events in 2020 I’m spending some of my time talking and thinking about the good of the nation and its direction, but I’m spending most of my time making moves so that I’m not forced out of work.

Yes, Moms and Grandmas have lives, too. And my life has been one of ever-increasing power despite ever-increasing inequality, somewhat paradoxically.

At 80 I’m not about passing the torch and mentoring the younger generation – oooh, I could just rip to shreds that smug Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez whenever she bats her big, doe eyes! But it’s not like anyone listens to her or Bernie, except the most foolish, irresponsible and gullible of our supporters.

Listen: I survived the 2016 election debacle – and my Hollywood friends made sure I still looked fabulous – but I learned something. Back then we had to concoct the Russophobia “explanation” for our loss after the fact – this time, however, we are being proactive:

By refusing a second stimulus, by fomenting protests, by encouraging mail-in ballots totally unnecessarily – in short, by creating as terrible and unstable national situation as possible we have successfully laid the groundwork for an “explanation” for our loss even before the election.

Meaning: if Democrats lose, it’s because the world is hell.

And who in hell can expect good times?So if we lose in November – it’s not our fault.

Just like in 2016, and this way things don’t have to change at the top yet again. But I think what we have done in 2020 is so bad that it will be enough to oust the incumbent and then – woo-hoo! – 24 months of power!

Totally worth it….

This is exactly why I keep telling you kids you don’t have to worry about Grandma: I’ll keep my job, influence and endless supply of $13 a pint ice cream (Haagen-Dazs is for poor people, like public transportation). You individual households who keep donating your tiny savings to the Democratic Party… I almost feel beholden to you?

Yes, by reducing expectations for good governance (this used to be the Republicans tactic) Democrats have created a bar so low that we have plausible deniability for any sort of poor results from public policy.

For example: What did America get from the Congressperson-wages spent on Trump’s semi-impeachment? Or fruitlessly searching for Russian foreign influence? Or just last week: “Why is Pelosi suddenly talking about the 25th Amendment?” My sweet, trusting children: if we started talking about the real issues in our family instead of sweeping them under the rug again and again… my God, where would that lead to?

Yes, that’s the sign of good elder leadership, in a nation as in a home alike.

Tolstoy wrote that all happy families are alike whereas all unhappy families are different in their own way: our unhappiness is merely due to our beloved American exceptionalism! Don’t fight it – accept our exceptional status quo in 2020, because 2021 will be more of the same hell if if we lose.

I just accidentally admitted the Democratic Party election platform.

But it’s October 17 – I only have a few weeks to hold on.

Thankfully the mainstream media didn’t even question the socioeconomic intelligence of a Great Lockdown until now. The economic hell of the lower classes who eat Haggen-Dazs won’t pass by then, of course, but do you honestly think Grandma is worried less than three weeks from denouement?

Ha! Why do they underestimate us old women? I’ll still be in power when you’re dead and gone, my chubby children. Why can’t you ever show any discipline?!

We grandmas have made enough sacrifices – we’re spending our inheritance, not bequeathing it to the future. And we look fabulous, so knock off all this criticism.

Ramin Mazaheri is currently covering the US elections. He is the chief correspondent in Paris for PressTV and has lived in France since 2009. He has been a daily newspaper reporter in the US, and has reported from Iran, Cuba, Egypt, Tunisia, South Korea and elsewhere. He is the author of Socialism’s Ignored Success: Iranian Islamic Socialism’as well as ‘I’ll Ruin Everything You Are: Ending Western Propaganda on Red China’, which is also available in simplified and traditional Chinese.

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